The Shame Hustle
How often have you watched your dreams crumble in your own hands? Maybe it was an important new project you didn't show up for or an exciting relationship you self-sabotaged. Knowing full well, we are responsible. The inner critic sneaks upon us. 'See, I knew you couldn't do it; ………. You. ARE. P.A.T.H.E.T.I.C’
Withdrawn, you live under shame's oppressive regime for days, weeks, months, years. A suffocating prison you've created for yourself. The walls were painted with self-hatred.
So, you do your best to escape. You hustle, looking for proof you are not worthless. At the gym, with new clothes, in the mirror, when you pull that face that for a moment hides how ugly you feel inside.
But that slimy voice is lurking in the recesses, waiting for you to have your guard down. You do your best to ignore it. You know you should talk to yourself kindly; you're a PROUD LGBTQIA+ person. You've worked hard on yourself. However, the whispers keep coming. Maybe you are sick or tired, and it catches you off guard when plans with a new date don't work out. "See, I knew they didn't like you," and then those whispers came more often and with a greater sense of authority.
You push back hard. But those coping strategies you've developed aren't working; the inner critic is relentless now. Your favourite self-care strategies are plagued with self-hateful thoughts. You start to feel desperate. The voice has worn you down, tired and begin to lose control. The inner critic has become unbearable to fight on your own, so you drown it out with self-destructive behaviours, and then for a moment, you are free, your basking in the relief of post-indulgence.
But that relief never lasts long. The following day with a heavy head of regret, the voice is back with new resolve 'You have no self-control > Look at yourself'. And you find yourself back on the treadmill hustling for validation with the debris of your self-worth around you.
And the absurdity of it is that we feel we are the only ones struggling with inner criticism. The warped disease of comparison has us duped. For many of us, our LGBTQIA+ identity formed in a swamp of shame. And pride has yet to deliver its antidote. So how does one make a life amongst the wreckage of our self-destruction and those creepy self-critical whispers?
Counter to our instincts to push down our shame and drown out the inner critic. Relief may lie in leaning in & listening to our inner critic's positive intentions. Here are some pointers on how you might go about this.
Ask yourself: Where does your inner critic show up? What was happening that triggered it? How does shame feel in my body? In other words: What are your shame triggers, and how does it show up in your body somatically?
Externalise: Get some distance from your inner critic by describing this part in your words. Visualise the inner critic as a creepy character to undermine its authority.
Get to know the voice: Ask your inner critic 'how are you trying to protect me?', 'what is your positive intention?'. Show gratitude for its protective function.
Ask for space: from inner critic so you can get to know it at a distance. We can acknowledge this voice as part of us by developing a dialogue and visualising our inner critic.
Reach out: Consider speaking with someone. By sharing these struggles with one trusted and empathic person, we can begin to address the secrecy and silence that shame thrives within.
Final thoughts
I encourage you to take on your shame like a science experiment and examine it with microscopic precision. For many LGBTQIA+ folks, shame is our corrosive birthright, and it has sculpted how we view ourselves. Through empathy, attention, and understanding, we may be afforded some relief from the shame's oppressive regime. Difficulties with shame and the inner critic are our shared struggles. A struggle I can promise you that we are not fighting alone.
