The Lineage of Bullying on LGBTQIA+ Adults

Read time: 4 minutes

It is no secret that the majority of the LGBTQIA community has experienced some form of bullying in adolescence. What might not be well understood, however, is that this has significant impacts on mental health outcomes in adulthood. The Adverse Childhood Experience study found that the most damaging experiences in adolescence were “recurrent chronic humiliation” and that these experiences dramatically increase the chance someone will develop mental health problems in adulthood. 

Bullying was the experience of many LGBTQIA folk in adolescence. Our Identities are sculpted by frequent experiences of shame and humiliation. The central developmental task of adolescents is to build a strong and stable identity. When the self is undermined by bullying adolescents are at increased risk of mental health problems, substance abuse and suicide. 

For many of us, adolescence is remembered as time we fought against who we were. Through distraction, numbing out or pushing down feelings we were LGBTQIA+. In adolescence, our identities are compromised not only by external abuse by my our inner critics which were desperate to protect us from further humiliation and rejection.

 So how do experiences of bullying impact LGBTQIA+ adults? 

Why belonging is important

Our adult selves are built on the foundation of an adolescent self that has been damaged by bullying. We can emerge into adulthood with a fragile sense of self, we may be susceptible to shame, eager for to find a sense of belonging and plagued by a range of painful memories of being bullied that protrude our defences. There can be a sense of mistrust that anyone will love us completely, so we suppress certain parts of ourselves to minimise the risk of being rejected. Our powerful biological need for belonging can contribute to our sculpting ourselves to our environments and in the process betraying the essence of who we are. 

Social Anxiety 

We may feel vulnerable in a social situation, part of us (the adolescent part) is vigilant for rejection. We might be hyperaware of how we are being perceived, scanning the environment to see whether we fit in and how we should behave. We might be second-guessing everything we are saying while being barraged by our inner critic for our contributions to conversations. 

A way to heal from LGBT bullying  

For a lot us we would rather forget adolescence even happened, we would prefer to bury those painful memories behind the achievements and validation we may have received as adults. 

But the truth is those bullied adolescents live within us, often frozen in that time desperate to be heard and healed. Living with the secret shame we were LGBTQIA within a hostile environment has a lineage on our bodies and psyches often made manifest in a tyrannical inner critic, which without reining in can have a disastrous impact in our mental health. So, if you feel your experience of bullying as an adolescent is still impacting you as an adult know what can you do?  

 1.   Self-awareness 

Firstly, remember that despite how far away adolescent feels, we all have an adolescent part of us that lives within us. It can help spending time getting to know it and to develop trust with this part. Get curious and self-reflect, how does your adolescent part show up? It is rageful when you feel rejected but perhaps are being held accountable for your behaviour? Does your adolescent part takes over when you withdraw from social situations from fear you won’t be accepted? Maybe your adolescent part manages painful feelings by binging on alcohol and drugs. 

2.   Trauma triggers 

Perhaps it’s the subtlest facial clue that triggers your adolescent part need to self-project in the face of perceived rejection. Or maybe your adolescent part is triggered when you didn't do as well as you had hoped on a Uni assignment (a usual source of self-esteem). Perhaps you experience a form of discrimination. Instead of managing this with all of the resources you have available to you as an adult, your adolescent self-steps in to manage the situation through rage or withdrawal. 

 3.   Self Soothe

Perhaps more than any other part of us, our adolescent selves desperately need our attention and compassion. It helps to consider them part of our internal family and parent them with the careful and non-judgemental listening we didn't receive back then. Rather than pushing down or fighting against your adolescent part go toward it, place your hand where you notice it in your body and imagine directing loving energy towards it. Ask it what it needs you to know. Let it know that you are not 14 anymore, tell it your current age and let it know all the ways you have grown since then and reassure them of your support.

It might help to extend the out-breath. Try by breathing in through the nose for a count of 3 and breath out through the mouth for a count of 6 for a total of 5 cycles.

Through self-awareness and careful attention of your adolescent part, you may notice an increased sense of inner peace as the adolescent part releases its grip on your psyche. 

 4.   Reach out 

Finally, reach out to a trusted person and let them know you are having a hard time. It will soothe the adolescent part to know you have support, that there is someone that accepts all of who you are. Consider also speaking with a LGBT counsellor to additional support.

Reference

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2019). Preventing Adverse Childhood Experiences: Leveraging the Best Available Evidence. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.