How to Spot Signs of Emotional Maturity When Dating: Advice from a Gay Therapist in Melbourne

How to Spot Signs of Emotional Maturity When Dating: Advice from a Gay Therapist in Melbourne

It is fair to say that most of us have dated someone emotionally unavailable or immature. These experiences can leave us feeling dejected and fatigued, making us think there isn’t much hope in finding someone with whom we can form a meaningful connection. As a gay therapist in Melbourne, I assist LGBTQIA+ individuals in recognising signs of emotional maturity while dating, allowing them to identify more quickly when someone may not be right for them. Here, I will share practical advice and key indicators when searching for a compatible partner.

Why Emotional Maturity Matters in Gay Dating

The dynamic you establish with someone new sets the tone for the future of the relationship. The conversations you have early on about what you do and do not want are essential for aligning with someone new. A common challenge I often observe with gay men, particularly when dating, is a lack of clarity regarding what they want. This confusion can lead to hurt feelings and miscommunication about both our own intentions and those of others. For example, witnessing a lack of honesty about whether someone is seeking an open relationship can be particularly challenging.

Key Signs of Emotional Maturity to Look for When Dating

• Effective Communication:

You want to look for someone who can openly express their feelings, needs, and wants. For instance, they should be able to share what they are looking for in a relationship and what they do not want to experience again based on previous relationships. On a more day-to-day basis, are you clear about when you see them next, and is there any easy back-and-forth in communication?

• Self-Awareness:

The person you are dating demonstrates self-awareness around the themes that evoked insecurity in them and can own these without reactively projecting these insecurities onto you. They show that they know how they feel but share a range of feeling words and can articulate what these mean to them. When they are having a rough time, they are self-aware of what they need to do to self-soothe and do that.

• Consistency:

They consistently follow through on what they say will help make you feel safe. This includes showing up for plans you’ve made more often than not. They are consistent in terms of the general mood and character. You’re not caught off guard by a sudden temper flare over a relatively minor thing. They don’t suddenly get mean, seemingly out of nowhere.

• Empathy and Understanding:

Their empathy makes you feel safe. They demonstrate genuine care for your feelings and express interest in your experience. You get the sense they want to understand things from your perspective, even when they might think about the situation differently. They can sit in your experience and imagine how things are for you. They are caring and loving when things are tricky, and you feel their warmth.

• Accountability:

They can own their mistakes when they inevitably occur without taking things personally and becoming ashamed. They can stay in a place of guilt and hear the impact of their actions without either getting defensive or collapsing into shame and helplessness – where you are left with the task of making them feel better about their bad feelings regarding something they did. They don’t engage in tit-for-tat when things go wrong and can move on.

Red Flags that Signal Emotional Immaturity

• Defensiveness or Blame Shifting:

I am sure most people have experienced raising hurt feelings with a partner, only to be told they are too sensitive and need to lighten up. This behaviour reflects a person’s difficulty in taking accountability and a tendency to shift blame. Alternatively, you might receive an exaggerated reaction when you bring up an issue, like ‘I can’t do anything right!’ which undermines their accountability and puts you in the position of calming them down.

• Emotional Avoidance:

They have a range of ways of avoiding difficult conversations. You sense something is up with them, but you can’t put your finger on it, and every time you bring it up, they insist everything is ‘fine’. They let their hurt feelings simmer and may explode over something relatively minor. Or they habitually avoid conflict, perhaps with their friends, but refuse to talk to the person directly about the issues, so they ignore the friends’ texts and calls instead.

• Inconsistent Behaviour:

They often cancel plans with vague excuses and don’t follow up to arrange an alternative. You’re not sure how much they are into you because what they say to you about their feelings for you in person doesn’t match their actions, and it leaves you feeling confused about where they stand. Maybe they act quite differently with their friends than one-on-one, and you're confused about which version is the real them.

• Lack of Self-Reflection:

They are actively anti-therapy or anything too touchy-feely; this can be a sign of someone who is emotionally phobic, which means that any feeling that makes them feel vulnerable is avoided. They don’t offer how they are feeling often, or you get short descriptions of their feelings without explanation. You sense they don’t have much awareness of their emotional world. Signs of this can be excessive screen time and avoidance of time alone, as this contemplative space makes them feel uncomfortable. They might not have any insight into areas of growth for which they need to work on.

• Over-Dependence:

People with a poor sense of sense tend to become codependent in intimidating relationships. This is when the two circles of your separate lives overlap too much, and there is not enough differentiation. They may feel threatened by you spending time with your friends alone. You need to calm them down when upset more often than not and ask them to validate their feelings, thoughts, and strengths regularly. You get the feeling they aren’t solid in who they are.

When to Seek Support from a Gay Therapist in Melbourne

Suppose you have identified a pattern of dating emotionally immature or emotionally unavailable partners. In that case, it is essential to seek therapy to identify the particular relational traps you find yourself in. These are often deeply embedded patterns we learn in childhood to get our needs met by an emotionally immature parent.

Therapy can help when you know your lack of self-worth impacts your dating choices, and these interactions are causing harm. Maybe you have experienced past relationship trauma that affects your ability to trust or open up with someone new.

If you’re looking to build healthier relationships and develop emotional maturity, working with a gay therapist in Melbourne can make a difference. I offer a warm, non-judgmental, direct and action-orientated space to explore your experiences and build the skills you need for fulfilling connections.